Fly

He was like a universe's worth of weight on my shoulders, pulling me down. His "I love you."s and "I miss you."s as insincere as any other lie he ever told me. 

"She doesn't mean anything to me." He would say, I would turn around and refuse to see what was right in front of me. The fakeness in his tone, the nights he obviously spent with her would disappear when I faced the other direction. 

"I can't come. I have a business meeting." He would say. So that's her name now I would think to myself. Birthdays, night outs, anniversaries all canceled, because he had business to do. I would take all of it in and turn it into something less ugly. I would say he has to work so we can one day build a family.

One by one, everything I could paint pink disappeared. He lost his job, started drinking and gambling away my money. I didn't know how to turn this one a brighter shade. It was dark. It was so dark that it made me realise it has been dark for a while now.

One and a half year of hell I put myself through, all in the hopes of this man turning as white as I colored him. I thought this was love. Seeing no other option than to simply be with him was love. I was 27, way beyond the age of marriage. I couldn't bare to lose him. If I did, I would be ruined. Too old to wed, I would die a lonely lady.

Ten years ago, my teenage self has made herself a promise. She said, she would never accept crap from men who won't love her. She said she would only wed someone if that someone was worthy, if that someone loved her back.

I said no when he asked me. Maybe it was that I was trying to keep my promise all along, trying to believe he is worthy by painting myself a bluer sky. It doesn't matter when I caught up. All matters is that when I did, there was no going back.

Finally, when there wasn't any secrets to hide from myself, no roles I had to play, no expectations weighing me down, I could be whoever I wanted to be, an old cat lady included.

I spread my wings, and began to fly.