Blind

I was seven when I went blind. All life was sucked out of me when that car hit me. They said I would survive but I didn't want to. The darkness became me. Who I am was the loss of my sight.

It could have turned me into a story people would read even a century later. I could have been the inspiration to all the blind girls to come after me. I could have been the one they pointed at to say "She did it. You can too!"

And that would have been great. That would have changed the world.

I'm insignificant. I could have changed the world and yet I am insignificant. It's not the things I didn't do, it's the things that I can't do. They say it's always darkness before the dawn, but for me there is no difference. Colours live only in my memory and I am always so angry at myself.

Why didn't I memorise the shape of a butterfly, the colour of the sea meeting the sky, the colours on my mother's face? 

You don't realise what there is to lose until it's gone. 

Everywhere I go, even with my eyes closed, I can feel the eyes on me. People watching, giving me looks of pity.

"Look at that creature!" I know what they're whispering in secret corners when they think I can't hear them. Hastily, in hushed voices, but the judgement is there. 

Everytime I am alone in public, a stranger touches me, grabbing me by my arm, taking me places. I have to go home and thank God, the same God that gave me this punishment, for making me encounter with a good enough person who didn't kidnap me. This time.

Most of the time, they don't even ask. It's even crude, the way the grab me without my permission. After all, you are here for fifteen seconds. How dare you allow me to believe I am not alone?

I hear voices but I never know, is that person really there? Is this sensation real? Some nights I go mad in the house, searching for the source of the ticking voice. I never find it though. When your eyes are useless, your brain reads too much into sounds.

Every night, I pray to the God, that condemned me to this faith, that I won't be murdered this very night. I fall asleep to dark nightmares and I wake up thinking for one second that I can see again.

I was scared of the dark when I went blind. I remember waking up in the hospital, screaming at the top of my lungs because the darkness frightened me. The darkness never faded, but the liveliness in me did. The child in me died that day, even though I lived on. 

My life was stolen from me and I don't forgive whoever did this to me. I never will.

Everytime someone makes a remark about my disability, I will hate the person who put me in this situation.

And I don't wish they were dead. 

I wish they were blind.





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